What Happened to My Sweet Child? THE Question of Parents of Tweens

Remember reading the classic, Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? I’m reminded of this tale when listening to parents of tweens. As a middle school teacher I would have been confused, by this phenomenon of temporary schizophrenia, had I not experienced it first as a mother.

Jonathan was the child that every parent and teacher wanted to clone. He was kind and thoughtful to others; he was obedient and respectful to the adults in his sphere. He got along with most everyone. He was a good student but enjoyed success in other areas, too. And, he was generally responsible. This was the eleven-year-old that kissed his parents good night and went to bed.

But, another eleven-year-old boy emerged from that room the next morning. He looked like Jonathan. His voice sounded the same, but some altered universe had apparently taken hold of him during the night. He awoke with a sneer on his face and a snarky response to our every question and comment at the breakfast table. Who was this child? I thought he’d just awakened on the wrong side of the bed. I soon realized that this was to be our new norm. As weeks passed, I became more and more confused by this strange version of my son. I recall one particular incident in which he proudly showed me a completed school project he was to turn in that day. I was impressed and sure his teacher would be, too. The project was to represent a large percentage of his grade that term, so this was important. But, when he returned home and I questioned him about it. He just said, "I didn’t turn it in. I couldn’t find it." What did he mean, he couldn’t find it? I saw him put it into his backpack that morning. He was now insisting it disappeared. I went through the bag carefully straightening each wadded up paper that I found, discarding a banana peel and a couple of Goldfish in the process. And, I did discover other pieces of overdue work, but not the project. It couldn’t just vanish. While my frustration level was at its peak, Jonathan seemed nonchalant. What was going on here? I felt as if I’d been transported into the pages of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic. Mr. Hyde had taken up residence in our home.

When I was later teaching eleven-year-olds in sixth grade, I noticed there seemed to be a transition in my students around the mid-point of the year. They came to me as children in August, but when they returned from Christmas break, something significant had occurred to many of them during that two week period. Mr. Hyde or Miss Hyde had emerged. They were now tweens! Within the next month, parents began to call for conferences. Generally, the conversation would go something like this:

Have you noticed any changes in my child lately? He/She is like a different person. What happened to my sweet child? Help me! I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve tried everything, and I don’t like what I’m seeing.

At this point, I looked like the wisest teacher in the world. Why? Because I realized this was the norm for most tweens. I was able to relate the story of my own child’s transition. I recommended the parents be firm but consistent. If they followed this advice, knowing I would do the same at school, they could expect their Dr. Jekyll to return home eventually. It encouraged them to hear that after two years my sweet child came back. Mr. Hyde, with all of his unpleasant traits, went to bed, and a teenaged Dr. Jekyll joined us for breakfast the next morning. He was a welcomed sight!

Each year parents left this conference feeling somewhat better. They realized this was not a permanent condition, and it was not a result of some parenting flaw of theirs. They knew I was committed to helping with the same firm consistency they would apply at home. Though each child is unique, a transition is going to take place. It is God’s plan they transform from children to more mature teenagers toward becoming independent adults. For some the change is drastic. For others, it’s more subtle. The transition time is different. Jonathan’s took two years, a long two years, but there’s no set timetable.

Parents would often come back to see me a year or two later. They would offer thanks for the support and tell me their sweet child had returned. It was just a journey that was, at times, unpleasant for the whole family. But, I was usually told the wait was worth it.

What about you? Are you dealing with a tween? Do you have one of your own? Maybe you have a tween grandchild or a classroom of them. If dealing with a tween is causing you frustration, anxiety, or confusion, take a deep breath. Take it all to the Lord, and rest in Him. And, if you listen closely, I expect He will confirm what I have conveyed. Your child is going through a natural process of change. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it impacts the entire family. You may feel overwhelmed, but it’s temporary. He/She is as confused as you are, and your love and consistency are needed, if not appreciated.

In Psalm 102:17 we read, “I call on you my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.” Remember this, He hears you. You’re not alone. You can do this! And, your sweet child will return home.

It's All in the Mind

Ten Tips for Optimal Brain Functioning

Have you ever asked yourself the question, "Am I out of my mind?" Optimal brain functioning is different for each of us, but we’d like for our brains to be healthy and working at their full potential.

I don’t pretend to have any medical knowledge beyond the average person. As an educator, I have studied the impact of the brain on learning. These are the ten best directives I have found to lead to optimal brain functioning.

1.      Increased oxygen: The brain must have oxygen flowing into it for it to function well. Both exercise and increased water will produce this. If students are allowed to stand and stretch on a regular basis, this will help in the classroom. Some school districts have experimented with longer periods of recess, especially in the early grades, to see if it impacts classroom productivity. Early studies suggest there is a positive correlation between greater physical activity and improved classroom performance.

2.      A healthy diet positively impacts both physical and mental functioning.

3.      Extended uninterrupted sleep is necessary for optimal functioning. Since teachers do not have control over their students’ sleep habits, it may help to start the morning with a few stretches or even jumping jacks.

4.      De-clutter! Both the mind and the space in which one functions, need order for optimal performance. As distractions are removed, greater clarity sets in.

5.      Challenge the mind. Though this is the goal of every teacher, it is important to realize the brain is a muscle. Its long-term health is dependent on its pliability. It needs to be stretched just as other muscles do.

6.      If a learner sees a purpose in the day’s subject matter, he/she is more motivated to become involved.

7.      Create more connections. Every time a student learns something new, the brain makes a new connection. The more connections that the brain makes, the longer the memory will hold the information.

8.      Engage has become something of a buzz word in educational circles within the last ten to fifteen years. But, it is one with merit. Students who are actively involved in their own learning process, take ownership of it. One element, of this engagement that is often overlooked, is reaction. Student memory will increase when he/she is allowed to react to what they have seen, heard, or read. 

9.      The brain is stimulated more with the involvement of each sense. Therefore, multi-sensory learning increases memory and greater brain functioning. By involving more senses per lesson, the teacher increases the effectiveness of the learning process.

10.   Stress is the enemy of the brain. When under stress, the brain has difficulty focusing. Though there is no stress-free environment, if stress is reduced, the brain will function in a more productive way. Listening to soft music and deep breathing exercises can help reduce stress. Too, if a classroom has dimmer-lights, a teacher may help reduce some stress by dimming them a little.

Scientists are constantly learning new things about the brain. Each new revelation provides greater insight into understanding the way we learn. If these tips are useful for the student in the classroom, I must assume they would be helpful in brain functioning, regardless of age.

It's What Time?

Tick...Tick...Tick

Perhaps it’s my age, I’m not sure. But, with my sixtieth birthday came an awareness of the ticking clock. It was the diminishing moments of life that got my attention in a different way. Though most of us have no idea how long we may live, there are certain markers in life that are reminders of time passing. My sixtieth birthday was one of those.

Someone said, “To know the value of a minute, ask the person who just missed his train.” I began to wonder how many minutes, life-giving precious moments, I had wasted in totally useless inane activities. Many worry about wasted money, but which is more important? In my mind, there’s no question. Time has much greater value. If money is wasted or even lost, there is always a chance to recoup it at some point. But, time is a measure of life in seconds, minutes, hours. Once it is lost, it is gone forever. We cannot get it back. The clock ticks a reminder of each moment passing.

So, the immediate question is, what will I do with today? How can I make the next twenty-four hours count in a significant way? How can I bring value to others? How do I bring honor to a praise-worthy God?

What about you? Can you hear the clock ticking?

They're Lost!

Keys

I spent a wonderful weekend on a retreat with the women of my church. I left my car at the church and rode to the retreat site with friends. When we returned on Sunday, I discovered that my keys were gone. I bet you know the feeling. It wasn’t just one key. I had keys to two separate cars along with keys to every door in our house. In addition, they were all attached to a costly fob. I searched all of the bags that I had taken on the trip. I looked over the grass and pavement around the car. I checked the cars in which I traveled both coming and going. I then called the retreat center to see if they had found any keys. I checked all of the obvious places. Then, I searched the ridiculous. Why else would anyone search their cosmetic bag for keys? Only because all sensible sources had been checked, and I was desperate.

I called my husband, and he came to pick me up at the church. He picked up the search. He  proceeded to dump out all of the bags that I had already been through. I have been known to look right at something and still not see it, so I was not offended by this. Still, no keys! So, now what do we do?

The car was necessary, so my husband called a locksmith. The cost, with the service charge was to be over $200, and that didn’t count the fob. The cost was not outrageous, but $20 would have been enough to frustrate me, because this was a result of my own negligence. I spent an abnormal amount of time in the search, and it stole the time of others, too. I had been inattentive, and laid my keys down somewhere without thought. Predictably, I found them after making the call to the locksmith. Fortunately, Jack was able to call him back before new keys were created.

Yes, I was grateful to have found the keys. Money was saved, crisis averted. But, I was still aggravated with myself. My lack of focus caused unnecessary stress, and it created a loss of productivity, because my thoughts and actions were set on this one thing…finding my keys.

You are probably thinking, well don’t we all do that at times? I suppose that’s true, but it’s worth considering why. I was distracted by the urgency of leaving on time while ignoring the importance of keeping track of my keys. So, what about you?

Are you good about staying aware of what’s most important, as opposed to the pressures of the urgent? Do you continue working toward the important goals of your day, even when you hear the little ding on your computer or phone? Are you distracted by the perceived urgency of an e-mail, text, or FB message?

Life is full of distractions, so we must predetermine what’s important rather than just urgent. What are your priorities today? What must be accomplished? Once you know, eliminate as many potential distractions as possible. Determine now what you will, and will not, do to reach your goals. But, whatever you do…hold on to your keys!

Grieving?

Grief

It was the end of the day. I was tired, but still had supper to prepare. As I cooked, my teenage sons kept me entertained with tales of their day. The phone rang, and I answered in my usual peppy voice. It was my sister-in-law’s distinct mid-western accent. I started to say, “What a nice surprise!”, when I caught the tone of her voice, and my words changed to, “What’s wrong?”

In a split second everything changed. She told me that my forty-one year old brother had just died of a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe. I thought that I hadn’t heard correctly. Billy didn’t have a heart condition. He’d just had a good report from his doctor after an annual check-up. I had just been to Michigan, for a visit with him, two weeks before. He looked fine.

But, that’s how it is, isn’t it? Life, with its routine, is suddenly interrupted by the unthinkable. Our world is shattered, and we have to learn how to pick up the pieces. But, when death occurs, there is preparation that must be made, in the midst of the pain. For me, I had to make a plane reservation and pack.  

I needed to move quickly, but I found it difficult to focus. Memories were sweeping through my brain like a movie screen. Billy and I were just two years apart in age. As children, on a farm, we had no friends that lived near us. We had each other, but that was enough. We were extremely close, and now he was gone. It was like a big piece of the puzzle, which was me, was missing. How was I to move forward when I felt incomplete?

This is where the power of faith makes the difference. Life, on earth, was intended to be temporal. That’s part of God’s gift to us. Our time here is hard, but we do not have to endure it forever. Our eternal home is perfect. Billy had just moved on before I did. We would eventually be reunited. I struggled to feel whole without him, but I knew that my “completeness” was in my relationship to my heavenly father. It was not in my relationship with my brother, precious as that was.

You know what I mean. You understand loss and the inevitable pain. Loss is common to mankind, but it doesn’t feel common, at all, when going through it. The earth may feel shaky under one’s feet when the pronouncement of death comes. You may feel that you can’t handle this new reality. Life, on earth, is forever changing. We have no control, but Christ is constant.

When Billy died, I found the need to grab hold of “the solid rock”, Christ. It was important to realize that there was something that would never change. I can count on Him. You can, too!

Why Did I Think I Could Do This?

Birth

The baby’s birth is first announced by your slightly green complexion as you throw up your breakfast. With the nausea comes irritation with “the man”. Your face is in the toilet, and “the man” is grinning from ear to ear and strutting across the room as if he has done something remarkable. Not only that, he offers to help, so he makes the coffee. The very aroma turns your stomach, and the retching continues.

By the fourth or fifth month, the morning sickness has finally passed, but your waist has expanded. Nothing fits, and it’s time to go to the maternity department. You are now relegated to elastic pants. You thought those belonged to the geriatric set, didn’t you? Ha! The jokes on you. Nature seems to have turned on you.

By the seventh month, you are awkward from the displaced weight. Your back hurts, your feet are swollen, and the baby is using your bladder as a trampoline. You must remain close to a bathroom. Sleep has become impossible.

The blessed day finally comes for your baby to enter the world. You try to be excited, but it’s hard when you are writhing in pain. Words escape your mouth that are new to your vocabulary. Your husband has the nerve to look shocked.

Then the baby arrives. You’re in love. The nausea and pain are all forgotten. Your husband is once again your prince. When you see the father’s love flowing from his eyes, you love him even more.

Though the nine months are filled with nausea, exhaustion, mood swings, and pain, they are all quickly forgotten in light of God’s miracle of birth. You are awe-struck by the beauty of this child and the love that is beyond anything you have previously experienced. Already, you know that you would give your life for this precious baby. But, then the “What ifs” invade your thinking.

Fear strikes! What if I sleep through my baby's cries at night? What if I drop her? What if she hates me? What do I know about parenting? They’re going to send me home, with this baby, in a few days. I’m a neophyte. I know nothing. A child’s life is going to be placed in my hands. Help!

Help is available. Just as you are ready to do anything for your child, you should now have a better understanding of God’s sacrifice for you, His child. It is love beyond measure, undeserved but freely given. In that moment, you realize that God is the parent-model that you need to emulate.  He is going to walk with you through this whole parenting-thing. You are not alone. God is faithful. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Leave the hospital with confidence. You’re a parent; praise God!

Can You Identify the Real Mrs. Carver?

The Wrong Mrs. Carver

I walked into my fifth-grade classroom and was surprised to find a student already there. He was sitting on the window sill talking to one on the outside. Before he realized I was there, he said, “Come here, Mrs. Carver.” I didn’t understand why he was talking to me as if I was outside, but I said, “What did you say?” He had a startled look as if he was caught doing something that he shouldn’t. When I questioned him again, he said, “I wasn’t talking to you.” I told him that I had distinctly heard him say my name. Looking a little embarrassed, he told me that he was talking with the neighbor’s emu. He went on to explain that the kids had named it after me. How does one respond to that?

The emu was something of an annoyance to all but the students. The principal had spoken to the farmer whose land abutted the school property. He explained to the gentleman that both the school and the farmer could be sued if the animal hurt a child. Since there were some students on the playground at most anytime during the day, this was a cause of concern. He insisted that the man keep the emu locked up. This particular emu was something of an escape artist. Even though she was in a confined space, she continued to break free, and she had endeared herself to the children. So, they named her.

About a week later I entered the school building and noticed that faculty members were looking at me in shock, through their tears. I was told that the children said that I was dead. The cause of misinformation was soon discovered. When the principal arrived at the school that morning, he found the emu on campus. This was one time too many. The farmer had been warned. The principal was determined to get the animal off of the property before the students arrived. He chased after it until the animal collapsed. It was dead. Apparently, emus have bodies that are too large for their hearts to take much stress. When the principal ran after it, the animal died. The first student arrived before the bird’s remains could be removed. Word quickly spread…Mrs. Carver was dead!

Misinformation can lead to rumors, and sometimes, unnecessary alarm. It does not lead to effective education. Communication requires that the listener understands what the speaker is trying to say, not just the definition of her words. So, if you want to make sure that your listeners understand what you really intend to convey, ask a few questions. It may prevent you from proclaiming the death of the wrong Mrs. Carver.